Secrets Revealed
by quisty-chan86
Summary: This is a result of no sleep for 48 hrs! Some Zell bashing, singing, and boom-box slashing... flames are welcome...only intended for a laugh.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Final Fantasy 8 isn't mine, why heck, I don't even own my life!!!~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(and there is nothing wrong with Justin Timberlake. I respect him as a human being, just like the rest of you out there)

Quistis: Okay, so they're all tired, la-de friggin' da! Regardless of the situation, we must continue to investigate Squall's disappearance………….. sooooo, let's start the story dammit!

Selphie: WAHHHHH! But I'm tired!!!!!!

Rinoa: . not enough caffeine through that girl's system…..

Quistis: -_-; sadly….. The poor thing's gone absolutely insane without her (bleeping)-sugar.

Selphie: I AM NOT INSANE!!!!! Does anyone have a ding-dong?

Everyone else: NO!!!!!

****

Chapter 1: The Missing Squallie-poo and No One Likes Zell

Zell: HEY SELPHIE! IS YON DONE WITH THE TOILETS?

Selphie: .; WTF? Zell, are you smoking those god-forsaken hotdogs again?

Zell: (sarcastically) Selphie, _are you smoking those god-forsaken cocoa puffs?_

Selphie: How'd you kno--- er, I mean, HELL NO!

Irvine: What tha hell r y'all doin'?

Selphie: BINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Zell: .------ and you thought I was obsessed…

Irvine and Selphie: YOU ARE!!!!!

Zell runs off crying throughout the halls and disturbing everyone that is attempting to study. 

Seifer: Dammit chicken-wuss! You'd better shut up or Fuujin's gonna come after you. And you know what that means.

Rajin: Ya know? She's really uptight, ya know?

Fuujin enters the scene…. And gives Rajin a very painful hello.

Fuujin: RAGE!!!! kicks Raj in the shin and speeds off to kick chicken-wein—erm, Zell.

While all this is taking place within dorms, Rinoa is outside whining about how her cheeky-monkey-poopie/Squall, is missing.

Rinoa: IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! WHY DID'T THEY TAKE SOMEONE ELSE! Like, umm, Zell.

Zell: NOT U TOO!!!!!

Quistis: Face it Zell, no one likes you…

Zell: WAAAAHHHHH! U TOO?

Rinoa and Quistis: (blink-blink) Umm, .-----.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~an estranged silence~~~~~~~~

Zell wipes his face and blows his nose on Rinoa's dress.

Rinoa: SON OF A MONKEY SPANK!!!!!

Zell: sorry… (big sad, I'm-sorry-I-caused-trouble face appears)

Quistis: Don't worry Zell, we still love you…

Zell: Really? You mean that for real Quisty?

Quistis: no….

Zell cries again.

Selphie wanders in singing Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual"

Everyone else: (O.o)))));

Selphie: What? You don't like classics?

Zell: I like N*Sync!!!

Selphie: That not classic, you wiener enthusiast…..^_^

Zell: Well I like Justin Timberlake, He's my idol…..@_@

Everyone: EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

Rinoa: Just how much of an idol do you think of him, Zell?

Quistis: Rinny, you shouldn't have asked him that….

Zell: WOW! I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE!

Rinoa: I don't. 

Zell: Then why'd you ask?

Rinoa: just making useless conversation.

Zell: ur a (bleeping) son of a monkey spank!

Everyone else: ((O.o)))))))))))))));

Rinoa's eyes fill with gigantic tears.

Selphie slapppppppppsssssss Zell…

Zell:hmph…… well I've never….

Quistis: _I should_ write you up for that one… that was a wee bit un called for.

Zell: HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! (points at Selphie)

Selphie: She was TALKING about you, not me you friggin' jack-monkey!

Quistis: SELPHIE!

Selphie: whoops, got carried away…XD

Rinoa: You're such an ass, Zell!

Zell: Fine then, I'll just—

Fuujin: RAGE!!!! kicks Zell in the… umm, _blankers_

Zell crumples to the ground whimpering like a little dog.

Selphie: Shocking he has anything there.

Quistis: SELPHIE!!!

Selphie: Sorry….-_-

Quistis: All right, this chapter might actually start the story rolling…Selphie, what are you doing?

Selphie: What ever do you mean Quisty?

Rinoa: The jar, hand it over…

Selphie: NOOO! IT'S MIIINNNNEEEE!!!!! (clasps jar tightly and frowns)

Rinoa: Now, now Selphie, being with that jar too long can cause some serious problems…(reaches for jar)

Selphie: STAY AWAY! (slaps Rinny)

Rinoa: o_O))) HOW DARE YOU!? (slaps Selphie back)

Selphie: Stay away from my jar!!!!!!! ( smacks Rinny with "conspiracy candy jar"

Rinoa: *~~X_x~~~*

Quistis: I think we'd better go see Dr. Kadowaki…..I hope that she's gotten some straight jackets in the infirmary.

****

Chapter 2: For your troubles

Everyone decided to return to their dorms, especially Zell who apparently had plans for the night.

Zell: Now it's time to worship and idolize my Justin Timberlake!

He ran off without saying his goodnights. The girls found this rather strange.

Selphie: He didn't even say bye to ANY of us…(begins forming a tear)

Quistis: I honestly, truly, absolutely DO NOT want to know why he ran that fast…(shudders)

Rinoa: I don't know why, but I want to find out!

Quistis and Selphie: WHAT?????

Rinoa: C'mon, it'll be fun! Whaddaya say?

Selphie and Quistis exchange awkward glances and finally give in.

Selphie: WE'RE GONNA PLAY SPIES!

Quistis: Well why not, I've got nothing to loose. I'm not an instructor anymore, so what the hell.

The three girls follow Zell into the Training Center all the way to a different secret area.

Zell: Justin, oh Justin. I worship theeeeeee!!!!

All three cringed when the young man sang, rather poorly I might add.

Rinoa: oh, GAWD!!!!

Selphie: EEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUCHIIIEEEESSSS! BINNNEEEEEEE!!!

Quistis: THAT SON OF A (bleep)-ing HOTDOG-STUFFING (bleep)-ing MORON!

Rinoa and Selphie: (o.O))) whoa, Quisty. That was definitely the MOST you've ever cussed.

Just then…

???????: Yeah, didn't know you had it in you, Instructor.

Quistis: (O.O) Uh-oh….

Yeah, they turned around to find Seifer right behind them.

Quistis: Mr. Almasy, What are you doing here?

Seifer: I was gonna ask you the same question, Trepe. But, I just want to know one thing.

Quistis: What is it, Mr. Almasy?

Seifer: First, drop the (bleep)-ing formalities, second, what the (bleep) was that hideous noise I heard? That was definitely not human!

Selphie: What else Mr. Sneeky-peeky-po-peeky-banana-fana-fo-fikki-fee-fi-fo-fikki?

Rinoa: It was Zell and his little obs-mmph!

Quistis: Rinny, don't you think that would just cause problems for Zell tomorrow, if not tonight?

Rinoa: Oh come on! You never have any fun you (bleep)-ing looser!

Selphie: Well Quisty, she has a point, you never do anything outrageous!

Seifer: Yup, you are a tight-wad…

Quistis: glares evilly fine you bunch of ungrateful monkey-spanking bastards!

Rinoa: Man, what a bitch. Someone must be PMS-ing!

Selphie: Yeah, you got that right. Uh, hey, what's that mean?

Seifer: It means, messenger girl, that Instructor's bitchy-ness will be ten times worse than what it usually is for about less than a week!

Rinoa: Oh shit Seifer, now your in for it… steps away from Quistis

Selphie: I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I'm gonna head back to my dorm…runs off

Quistis: T.T gahh… they always do that…

Seifer: Hey, instructor, I think I should go as well…runs off in horror

Quistis: Well I'll be damned. turns around to see a T-rexaur in her face Those (bleep)-ing…

T-rexaur: GRRRR! I'M GONNA BITE YOUR (BLEEP)-ING HEAD OFF!

Quistis: You can talk? (O.o)))

??????: No, it's me you dumb bitch!

Quistis: SQUALL?

Squall: Yes, genius, now GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Quistis: Yeah, yeah, yeah…(thinks 'and they thought I was PMS-ing…') 

uses limit break "laser eyes" and slices the T-rexuar's tummy open

Squall: Hey! Next time try aiming that before ya shoot bitch! You almost got my ass!

Quistis: (thinks, "and this means what to me?") I should have left your ass in there…

Zell: Hoooooowwdy-ho! Hey Squall, you're back!

Squall: hey, uh, Zell?

Zell: Yeah?

Squall: What are you doing wearing a pink thong?

Zell: Oh this ol' thing… I mean, uh, HOW'D THIS GET ON ME!?

Quistis: This is going to take years of therapy and a straight jacket to fix my mind.

Quistis: That was gross…

Selphie: What was?

Rinoa: Yeah, what was?

Quistis: Zell, in a pink thong…shudders

Selphie: rolls on the floor laughing

Rinoa: So that's where my new thong went!

Selphie: Eeww, Rinny…

Quistis: For Hyne's sake, no one needed to know that…

(a/n: Don't own TLC, the song, or as a matter of fact, anything else.)

****

Chapter 3: Anger Management and a 'game'

Next day…(in the quad)

Rinoa: MY SQUALLIE-POO! 

tackles Squall and plants a big wet one on his lips

Squall: Er, good to see you too?

Zell runs in with a boom box with the song, "No Scrubs" by TLC.

Zell: (sings) a scrub is a guy that thinks he's fine, also known as a bustah, always thinkin' bout what he wants and just sits on his broke ass…

Selphie: Woo-hoo! Oh yeah, that's mah song!

starts dancing with Zell

Both: (sing) …so, no, I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me; hangin' out from the passenger side of his best friend's ride, tryin' to holla at me…

Quistis: Oh dear Hyne in heaven, the madness has to end somewhere…(thinks, "Maybe I should have stayed in the library.")

Rinoa notices Selphie and Zell and decides to join.

Irvine and Seifer enter the quad to find a group of three dancing, (Zell, Rinoa, and Selphie) Quistis mumbling to herself. Something like, "I hate my life, I hate my job…etc. And Squall swinging his gunblade, preparing to attack the boom box.

Irvine: Oh shit, what'd I miss?

Seifer: Nothing cowboy, now shut up and watch the funnies…

the two hid behind a bush and observed the group

Squall ran towards the boom box and used HIS limit break, Renzokuken, to make the device implode.

Zell: You're thso crude…

Everyone: (O.o)))

Zell: I uh, mean, [manly voice] That was not necessary! Think on how the girls felt!

Selphie: Oh yeah? I have a limit break too!

casts full-cure on boom box

Rinoa: wtf?

Selphie: Tee-hee, I work wonders!

~ back in the bushes ~

Seifer: hey cowboy, check out the Instructor!

Irvine: XD I know! She is gonna flip out!

Quistis:…That, is… ENOUGH!

Everyone: (O.o)));

Quistis: Zell, Selphie, and Rinoa; if you want to dance and listen to music, take it to the dorms! Squall, since you're being such a jackass, you can go to your room! Seifer and Irvine, come see me in my office later!

Seifer: Oh (bleep) how'd she know?

Quistis: I smelled gunpowder, which means Irvine, which leads to you both coming from the training center, and that concludes my suspicions. Now, MOVE!

Everyone shuffled along to their spots with heads hung low.

Quistis: Whew, now that's over, Irvine, Seifer. Hurry now!

at her office

Quistis: I have a job for you two.

Seifer: What kind of job? 

looks at her with a smirk

Quistis: Not that kind!

Irvine: stifles a laugh

Quistis: We need to find a way to help Zell feel comfortable with his little, 'secret'. 

Seifer: You mean to tell me that Chicken-wuss has a secret he's been hiding from us?

Irvine: I think I know! And I won't so easy on him!!!!

Quistis: Zell is just like any of us…

Irvine: A homosexual?

Seifer: laughs uncontrollably

Quistis: NO! We all have our little secrets, and maybe telling some of ours will help him open up.

Irvine: Can't wait to hear some of 'em!

Seifer: Let's get some booze and get every one situated for a drinking game—er that is with taking the proper precautions, right, Instructor?

Quistis: Yes, and you'd do well to remember that.

Seifer and Irvine: stroll out of office giggling like little girls

Selphie: La-de-da-de-daaaaaa!

Rinoa: What the hell are you doing, Sefie?

Quistis: Rinny, you remember what happened last time you tried to take it away?

Rinoa: Oh shit, yeah….evades the 'danger zone' 

Selphie: Hello Carbunkle! Hello, Chocobo, and Chicobo! Hello Moombas! And HELLO moogles (a.k.a. mogs)

Quistis: Leave her be, Irvine will pick her up later…

****

Chapter 4: Alcohol and Something we all kinda knew

Later that evening, Seifer got a few crates of wine and some other alcoholic beverages ready for the game. Yeah, since Squall, Rinoa, Seifer, Irvine, Selphie, Zell, Quistis, and (guess what?) Fuujin just hung out in Quistis' dorm. Because…ya know?

Seifer: AAAAAALLLLLL RRRIIIIIGHHTY! 

Selphie: Let's get tha pah-tay started!

Rinoa: I want a Mike's Hard Lemonade!

Irvine: Gimme a Brusky!

Squall: …….whatever

Fuujin: DIPSHIT!

Zell: I want an amaretto with coke!

Seifer: Wuss…

Zell: Prison Bitch…

Quistis: Okay, who goes first?

Selphie: MEEEEEE

Everyone else: Okay.

Selphie: I've never, not had a thing for Sir Laguna!

Rinoa: That was lame…

Selphie: But y'all have to drink!

Quistis: (sons of bitches…) drinks.

Fuujin: drinks quickly

Seifer: drinks

Squall: drinks

Irvine: drinks

No one else drinks… and everyone stares at those who didn't drink.

Zell: what?!?!?

Seifer: You had a thing for Laguna?

Zell: well what about Rinoa?

Squall: You have a thing for my father?

Rinoa: Well, uh, not any more, now that I have you! bats eyelashes @ Squall

Squall: blushes Oh…okay…

Fuujin: MAJOR ISSUES

Irvine: No shit eh?

Quistis: How about Zell goes next?

Zell: Oh, okay… ahem…I've never, had a female save me before!

Squall: damn! drinks

Rinoa: WHEN WAS THIS?!

Squall: waaay back when I first got Ifrit, Quistis had to finish him off for me. I kinda, got ko'd.

Rinoa: Oh, okay.

Seifer: drinks

Zell: what?! A girl saved you?

Seifer: well…

Fujin: SAVED. SEIFER. SCREAMED. LIKE GIRL! HAHA!

Everyone else: Stifled laughter around the room

Seifer: grumble, grumble….grr, grr, grr….

Hours passed and yeah, they were drunk.

Selphie: A-GOOOOOO!

Rinoa: sings Barry White's First, my last, my everything

Squall: Rinoa, you haven't sung in a while…

Rinoa: LET'S GET IT ONNNNNN!

Quistis: all right, glances at Zell I've never been a homosexual…

Zell: stares at everyone in the room you bitch! /drinks/

Irvine: Huh?

Squall: Wha?

Rinoa: Nani?

Seifer: WTF!?

Fujin: FAG!

Selphie: I knew it!!!! GAY BUDDY!!!!!!!

Zell: "stands up gives attitude" Don't even think about taking my leather pants, Selphie!

Selphie: I don't wear leather…SQUALL!

Squall: Huh?

Rinoa: Squallie, is there something you need to share?

Squall: NO! Haven't you ever seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?

Rinoa: Now you all know about Zell…

Quistis: What about Squall? grins evilly

Selphie: Tee-hee!

Rinoa: he's not gay all right! At least I hope not….

Quistis: you're just in denial kid, you're just in denial…

Selphie: Oooooooh lookie! 

Rinoa: and Quistis: What?

Selphie: It's sooo cool!

Rinoa and Quistis: What!? a bit annoyed

Selphie: Squall has hot pants!


End file.
